Column: Call to the Post

Dear readers,

This Tuesday the bugler at Horseshoe Indianapolis will blow “Call to the Post” for the first time this season. Team Schwinn always looks forward to opening day at the track. Thoroughbred horse racing is by far the biggest thing to come to Shelbyville since goat-cart racing at the fairgrounds.

Historical Note: Wilbur Shaw, famous three-time Indy 500 winner, got his start by racing goat-carts at the Shelbyville fairgrounds. Legend has it that his goat, Speedy, ran on a special feed developed by my grandfather, Brady Meltzer.

The beginning of thoroughbred horse racing every year always takes me back to the time Team Schwinn tried to enter a donkey in the Indiana Derby. Just like many of my stories, I realize, it sounds a little far-fetched.

I have included a photograph with today’s column for you skeptical readers. Chinese philosopher Confucius said, “a picture is worth a thousand words.”

It is a photo of Cousin Tom’s donkey, Cletus, saddle on, posing with his jockey before the start of the Indiana Derby. Look closely at the photo.  It captures the happiest moment of that day for Cletus and all of us at Team Schwinn. Immediately after the photo was taken, our dream of winning the half million-dollar purse was reduced to tears. We received word that Cletus had been disqualified.

The hair-brained scheme to enter Cletus in the Indiana Derby began the Christmas before. We had just finished the last of the fruitcake and eggnog. Earl and Tom were discussing their favorite movies. Tom, being a child of the 1950s was telling Earl, a millennial, about the seven “Francis the Talking Mule” movies. 

Someone brought up “Hollywood Handicap,” a movie where an old nag rescued from the glue factory, wins a horse race and saves Father Flanagan’s orphanage. Somehow the conversation segued into entering Tom’s donkey, Cletus, in the Indiana Derby.

As most of you know, most ideas born late at night under the influence of fortified eggnog are never even remembered the next morning. Not so for this crazy idea. It was picking up speed.

By spring of the following year Tom and Earl were getting Cletus in racing form. After very little discussion, it was decided that Skeeter (Kristiaan Rawlings) would be our jockey. 

It didn’t take long for all of us, especially Skeeter, to realize that you can’t learn to be a jockey by just watching YouTube videos. Skeeter kept falling off and even if he could hang on, it didn’t look like he could make weight anyway. 

Lucky for us, one of the winningest jockeys at the track that year didn’t have a horse to ride in the derby. His name was Tommy, a good omen. Full of excitement and the prospect of winning $500,000, we all took Cletus out to Indiana Grand to meet our new jockey.  

Tommy looked Cletus over and told us that while Cletus was a fine-looking animal, we might have a problem entering him in the Indiana Derby. Tommy saw two major obstacles. 

First, all thoroughbreds have a tattoo inside their lip that identifies them as a racehorse. Cletus does have a tattoo, but it does not identify him as a thoroughbred. Cletus’ tattoo is of the hula girl from the label on a bottle of Sailor Jerry Rum. Secondly, Cletus is a donkey.

I don’t remember the technical reason given for Cletus’ disqualification, but it doesn’t really matter. Cletus was out of the race and Team Schwinn was headed home. Cletus didn’t take the news very well and his behavior was horrible. It took us over an hour to get him back in the trailer. It came as no surprise that Cletus wasn’t a good sport. After all, he is an ass.

To quote the great Paul Harvey, “Now you know the rest of the story.”

See you all next week, same Schwinn time, same Schwinn channel.

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