Column: Did Shelbyville spend $100,000 on a nothing-burger?

As Bette Davis might say, “Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.” 

Today’s column is not intended to be funny. I’m afraid that Shelbyville may have just dropped $100,000 on a nothing-burger. Have you seen the survey sent out by Hirons? Hirons is the advertising agency hired to rebrand Shelbyville. 

Hirons explains the rebranding initiative to be “where community, culture, and collaborations come together.” You are invited to take part in a rebranding survey. It is part of “Shelbyville’s journey to reimagine and redefine our community’s identity by capturing the unique spirit, values, and aspirations of our residents, and showcase what makes Shelbyville and Shelby County special.” 

Hirons is leading us on a journey filled with platitudes and clichés. I fear the journey will end with Hirons leaving town with our $100,000 and we will be left with a new “brand” as generic and worthless as the old brand.

Our new brand will not be unique or special. Our brand will not capture our unique spirit, values or aspirations. Our brand will be interchangeable with the new brands of other Indiana cities. In a word, our new brand will be forgettable.

We aren’t the first Hoosier city to get a brand. The brand craze has spread over the state of Indiana like a new covid mutation.

Greenfield is “Eat, Shop, Play, and Stay!”

Greenwood is “City of Pride and Progress.”

Our neighbor to the west, Franklin, had the motto, “Live, Work, and Play.” It has now been replaced with “Genuine Franklin” to better convey their “authenticity, friendliness, and trust.”

Columbus is “Unexpected, Unforgettable.” 

None of these brands are unique. None of these brands are special or even memorable. All these brands are as perfunctory as the multiple-choice questions in the survey Hirons wants us to take. All these brands are generic and interchangeable.

Shelbyville doesn’t need to join those communities with another “yada, yada, yada” brand. Shelbyville is unique. 

We once were simultaneously home of the world’s tallest woman, Sandy Allen, and the world’s oldest woman, Edna Parker. A couple of generations ago, local farmer Charles Fisher put Shelbyville on the map by holding the title of Corn King more years than any farmer in America. Thousands came to Shelbyville’s Corn Festival where the largest corn shock in the world was on display in our Public Square. 

Present day Shelbyville already has an annual event that draws thousands. We have just failed to capitalize on it.

On Saturday, July 6, someone from Hirons needs to come to Shelbyville and join us for the biggest day of horse racing in the state. On that day Shelbyville is a major league city. Some of the fastest horses in the world will be ridden by the most successful jockeys in the world. 

Why look a gift horse in the mouth? We’ve got the Indiana Derby, the crown jewel of Shelbyville, and yet, it’s as overlooked as Aunt Ethel’s “famous” three-bean salad at the family reunion.

Now, I’m no marketing mogul, but I’ve watched enough “Mad Men” to know that when life gives you horses, you make hay. So, here’s my pitch: “Shelbyville, Home of the Indiana Derby.”

It’s got a ring to it, doesn’t it? It’s like saying, “Hey, we’re not just any ‘ville’; we’re the ‘ville’ where thoroughbreds thunder down the track, and the thrill of the race is just a mint julep away.”

But wait, there’s more. Imagine the merch! T-shirts with snazzy slogans like “I Bet on Shelbyville and Won,” or bumper stickers proclaiming, “My Other Car is a Racehorse.”

We could have Derby hats as the town’s official headgear, and every newborn gets a tiny horseshoe for good luck.

Let’s face it, “Pride in Progress” was as exciting as watching paint dry on a barn. It’s time we embrace our inner equestrian and gallop into the spotlight. After all, if Franklin can be “genuine” and Columbus “unexpected,” why can’t Shelbyville be “unbridled?”

So, dear readers, let’s not put this horse out to pasture just yet. Let’s saddle up and ride this idea to the winner’s circle. And to Hirons, if you’re listening, remember: Team Schwinn is always here to help — no charge. But a little name drop wouldn’t hurt.

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