Column: Did the Duchess of Sussex visit Shelbyville?

column-did-the-duchess-of-sussex-visit-shelbyville

Dear readers,

Wow was I ever surprised when Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, picked me as one of the 50 influencers to receive a jar of her new strawberry jelly.  It’s her first product from her new company “American Riviera Orchard.”

I was even more surprised when she stopped by last week for an in person and exclusive interview.

Enjoy!

Kris: So, did you have any trouble finding our house on W. Mechanic St.?

Duchess: Well, it was the only one flying the Union Jack. I do have one question before we start talking about my jelly. What in the world was that huge, twisted metal thingamajig I passed on the way into town?

Kris: That is our famous stainless-steel sculpture. We affectionately call it “The Helbing.” We will walk over after the interview so you can get a better look.

Duchess:  Wonderful, I can take some photos. I just love modern art!

Kris: So, what’s with the jelly?

Duchess: Well Kris, a Duchess must make a living. It’s a tradition for celebrities to use their fame to hawk a product. Suzanne Somers sold the Thigh Master. Everyone from Elizabeth Taylor to J Lo and Paris Hilton have sold perfume. Gwyneth Paltrow even sells a candle that smells like … well you’ve probably read about it. Anyway, my company American Riviera Orchard, will sell affordable products. I hope to bring joy and happiness to the masses. Strawberry jelly is my first product.

Kris:  I brought the crackers. Open that jar of jam and let’s have a taste. Oh, that is good.

Duchess:  I’m just surprised that you brought saltines. Maybe we could go next door to the Dollar General and get some English Muffins. I prefer to eat my jelly on an English Muffins. I fell in love with the Dollar General brand muffins when Harry and I lived in England. In fact, we always sent a footman over to the Dollar General for our muffins.

Kris: No kidding, I didn’t know they had Dollar General stores in England.

Duchess: Oh yes, in England there is at least one on every block. I think it’s a British law. Most people don’t know that there is a Dollar General actually in Buckingham Palace.

Kris: Besides Dollar General muffins is there anything else, except Harry, that you’ve brought back from England.

Duchess: Eating beans on toast for breakfast is a habit I brought back from England. I’m not joking, the English really eat beans on toast. It looks disgusting, but it is delicious. It does make everyone gassy. Sometimes sitting around the breakfast table at the castle was like the scene where the cowboys are sitting around the campfire in Blazing Saddles.     

Kris: This jelly is excellent. It has a unique top note. Is there a secret ingredient?

Duchess: The unique taste comes from my manufacturing process. I’m making it in small batches at our home in Montecito, California. I first put the strawberries in a giant tub, take off my shoes and socks and stomp them into a juicy mess. Sometimes my BFF Victoria Beckham, a/k/a Posh Spice, helps. I got the idea from watching an old “I Love Lucy” episode. For your readers who are Lucy fans, it is Season 5, Episode 23. Lucy goes to Italy and stomps grapes into wine.

Well, I stomp strawberries into jam. Harry wanted me to call it “Meghan’s Strawberry Toe Jam.” Would that be a hoot or what? Kris, do you have any champagne and caviar? Do you know the combination to my high school locker? How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? What is that ringing sound? The ringing sound is getting louder and louder.

Kris: Oh no it’s my alarm clock. Just like season nine of Dallas, when we all thought Bobby Ewing was dead, this entire interview has been a dream.

See you all next week, same Schwinn time, same Schwinn channel.

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