Column: Edward Scissorhands handiwork

Dear readers,

Let’s go straight to the mailbag today. Enjoy!

Dear Kris,

The sun was shining, the birds were chirping and it looked like it was going to be a wonderful day. Then compliments of Duke Electric, men with chainsaws arrived.

I know they must keep the electric lines clear of limbs. However, our beautiful tree is now hideous. 

I called my wife to come out in the yard and look at the damage. My wife walked around the yard taking in the view of our tree from various angles. I finally asked her, “Well, what do you think?”

She said, “the likeness is unbelievable. Whoever you hired to do the topiary had the skills of Edward Scissorhands. I love it, now our tree looks just like The Helbing.”

Name and address withheld by request to prevent the tree from becoming a tourist attraction.

Dear lucky guy with the artsy wife,

I guess art is in the eye of the beholder. You aren’t the only reader to contact me about Duke’s recent tree trimming. 

Most readers are like you complaining about the electric company’s tree trimming. My message for those who don’t like the result is to walk around like your wife did and view your newly-trimmed trees at several different angles. Seeing the beauty in your new topiary takes a little imagination. It is like spotting the constellations in the night sky.

Today’s photograph is of a tree trimmed by Duke Electric that this little girl thinks looks like her llama.

Dear Kris,

Ever since you published the letter from a Walmart shopper complaining about the grifters at the exits, they have disappeared. I was wondering if it was the power of the press or did you report the problem to Walmart headquarters in Bentonville, Arkansas?  

On the topic of grifters, I have noticed an increase in the number of grifters holding up cardboard signs near Walmart. Like the guy who lives under the bridge, it does give Shelbyville a big city vibe, but one I could live without.

Would it be asking too much for you to work on that problem next?

Sincerely,

Long time reader, first time writer

Dear Loyal Reader,

I withheld your name. I was afraid angry grifters might picket your house. Then again, I’m not sure the ones holding the cardboard signs are technically grifters. They are probably better described as panhandlers.  There is a difference.

Grifters generally are running a short con or scam to separate you from your money. Selling candy or soliciting donations to raise money for a fake charity would be something a grifter might do.

Panhandlers just directly solicit money for themselves. They don’t claim the money is for a charity. They admit the money is just for themselves.  So, in a way the panhandler is more honest than the grifter.

However, sometimes the reason given on their sign is a lie. They aren’t really homeless or stranded. They just want some easy money. Of course, all panhandlers aren’t liars.

One time when on vacation in San Francisco I saw a panhandler doing quite well with a cardboard sign that said, “Why lie, I need money for beer.”  

See you all next week, same Schwinn time, same Schwinn channel.

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