Column: Grifters outside of Walmart?

column-grifters-outside-of-walmart

Dear readers,

This week a loyal reader reaches out to Team Schwinn for help. Enjoy!

Dear Team Schwinn,

No offense Kris, but I doubt that you can answer my question without help from your entire team. 

I haven’t been so annoyed since the Confederacy had their bicycle cavalry peddling around Shelbyville flying the “Stars and Bars.” I was so proud of Team Schwinn the day you and the Schwinn militia chased Johnny Reb out of town. 

My current problem won’t be as easy to solve. You see, I have lost my joy of shopping at Walmart. I have grown tired of the grifters always lying in wait for me to leave the store. 

I’m not talking about local Girl Scouts selling their cookies or the Salvation Army ringing their bell at Christmas. Just like Spider-Man, my Spidey sense tells me that many of those people lurking around the Walmart exit for donations are not legitimate charities. 

In the spirit of full transparency, my Spidey sense has been known to be very wrong at times. Take for example my first husband, I was very, very wrong about that one. 

So, could Team Schwinn please do some investigating? It would be a great service to the community. No one likes to be the stooge bamboozled by grifters. On the other hand, if they are all legitimate charities, I’ll permanently retire my Spidey sense and drop a coin in their cup.

Thanks,

Suspicious and Unhappy Walmart Shopper

Dear Walmart Shopper,

Since old Sam is no longer riding around in his Ford F-150 pickup truck checking on his Walmart stores, we shoppers do need to be a bit more vigilant. Walmart isn’t the same without old Sam around. Wal-Mart has lost its hyphen and “Discount City” sign. Both changes were major disappointments to me. Not to mention that a Subway sandwich shop has replaced the Wal-Mart snack bar. 

Sometimes I find myself wandering around inside the local Rural King reminiscing about when that building was our first Wal-Mart. The Martha Stewart of Shelbyville, Susie Veerkamp, once joined me for lunch at the Wal-Mart snack bar.

Oops, I seem to be drifting down memory lane. Let’s get back on task. As to your grifter question, it isn’t an easy question to answer.  Unfortunately, a great number of charities are grifters in disguise. I did call a special meeting of Team Schwinn and can preliminary report as follows:

Once again John Gray nailed it in his book “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.” We started by conducting an unscientific poll. 

Most men shoppers haven’t even noticed the people at the exit requesting charitable donations. This is because most men don’t go into the actual Walmart to shop. Men just pick up their food staples of Mountain Dew, Funyuns, and Beef Jerky Sticks at the Walmart gas station when they are buying their weekly supply of chewing tobacco.

On the other hand, the vast majority of women agree with you. Most women shoppers not only dislike having to exit past the grifters but will sometimes exit through the garden shop just to avoid them. One woman told me that her trick to avoid the grifters is pretending to talk on her cell phone while quickly walking past them. 

While I can’t assemble the Schwinn Militia and run the grifters off the Walmart lot, maybe this column will alert Walmart management to the problem. Never underestimate the power of the press. During the great pandemic Walmart made their aisles “one way.” Readers hated it. I wrote a column and the next week the aisles were back to running in both directions.

In the meantime, you might try pretending to talk on your cell phone or exit through the garden shop. Then again, you could take a page out of the men’s playbook and just shop at the Walmart gas station. I don’t know if you can find all food staples for your family there, but Funyuns might count as a vegetables.

See you all next week, same Schwinn time, same Schwinn channel.

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