Column: I blame Oprah!

Dear readers,

Oprah Winfrey is to blame for Prince Harry and Meghan’s family problems. I did not arrive at this decision lightly. I like Oprah. She is a billionaire genius. She also is a philanthropist who enjoys bringing happiness to others.

Who can forget the time Oprah told her entire studio audience to look under their seats and everyone found the keys to a new car?

I certainly didn’t forget that exciting daytime TV moment. Just thinking about it inspired me to give each of you a surprise gift this week. Go ahead and look under your seat. Did you find a Moon Pie? 

I wanted to give you each a new car just like Oprah. You are as special to me as Oprah’s studio audience was to her. When I came up with the idea, I ran it past Johnny McCrory and he just did one of those things where he rolled his eyes and shook his head a little as he walked on past me. I took that to mean, “Great idea Kris, but it just isn’t in the budget this week.” 

So that’s when I decided to just tape a Moon Pie under your seat. Like grandma always said, “It’s the thought that counts.”

Anyway, now back to why I blame Oprah.   

Oprah was one of the first guests to arrive at St. George Chapel for Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s wedding. Oprah made quite the entrance wearing a pale lilac Stella McCartney dress with a giant hat topped with flowers and feathers. 

Meghan and Harry’s $40 million wedding seemed like a fairy tale come true. Meghan, the girl from California found her prince. The reception was just as grand with Sir Elton John singing a special version of “Tiny Dancer” to the princess bride. 

I thought, like all fairy tales, Prince Harry and Meghan’s story would end with, “and they lived happily ever after.”

But no, before their new silverware began to tarnish, Harry and Meghan were on Oprah’s TV special trashing Harry’s family. Meghan complaining about her in-laws on national TV wasn’t very smart. She was already on the outs with her family after replacing her dad with Harry’s dad to walk her down the aisle.

Now, Harry has written a bestselling book, “Spare,” whining about his place in line to become King of England. Harry describes, blow by blow, a fight with his brother, William, that ended violently breaking the dog’s bowl. Being a royal dog, it was a very nice bowl.

You are probably beginning to wonder why I blame Oprah for Harry and Meghan’s estrangement from their families. I blame her for letting them complain about Harry’s family on her TV show. Oprah knew better. She knew that airing the dirty royal laundry on TV was wrong. 

Now it is time for Oprah to redeem herself. She discovered Dr. Phil.  She gave him his own TV show to help families with their problems.  With just one phone call, Oprah could get the royal family reservations at the Dr. Phil House. A month or two of intense therapy with Dr. Phil could save the royal family. 

Oprah might even get an invite to King Charles’ coronation this spring.  It is going to be the social event of 2023. Oprah still has time to shop for a new hat.

Note: If you found a Moon Pie taped under your seat, it was just a lucky coincidence. I was planning on getting to every reader’s house this week, but I didn’t have snow tires on my Schwinn.

See you all next week, same Schwinn time, same Schwinn channel.

Photo: Kris Meltzer offers Prince Harry a tissue.

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