Column: My super awesome pregame column

column-my-super-awesome-pregame-column

Dear readers,

One week from today is Super Sunday. All eyes will be on Las Vegas where Super Bowl LVIII is being held. The festivities will be in the new Allegiant Stadium which will become Circus Maximus for the day.

Reba McEntire has been chosen for the honor of singing the national anthem. Reba was picked based upon the popularity of her hit song “Fancy” about a southern girl who still works in Vegas.

The rumor is that Reba will sing from a chariot being pulled by a team of Budweiser Clydesdales. We’ll have to wait to see.

I know what some of you are thinking. Whoa Kris, slow down a minute.  Are you allowed to say, “Super Bowl?” Isn’t it a registered trademark of the NFL? Don’t you have to use code words or euphemisms like, “The Big Game” or “The Big Dance?”

The NFL does hold the copyright to “Super Bowl” and “Super Sunday.”  “The Big Dance” is actually copyrighted by the NCAA along with the “March Madness,” “The Elite Eight,” and “The Final Four.”

Companies copyright or get a trademark on anything they think will sell on a T-shirt. Favorites of mine from the past include “Got Milk?” “Where’s the Beef?” and “Who Killed J.R.?” 

Just because something is a trademark or copyright doesn’t mean that you can’t talk about it or write the words. You just can’t print up your own T-shirts and sell them at vacant gas stations along with velvet paintings of Elvis. 

I also can’t claim or imply that my column is endorsed by the NFL. Unlike Bud Light who has a contract with the NFL as the “Official Beer,” my column is not the “Official Column of the NFL.”

Maybe just to be safe I should insert a disclaimer here.

Disclaimer: This column is not endorsed by the NFL, Budweiser, Taylor Swift, Carl’s Jr., Reba McEntire, Fancy or any person or corporation. This work is a product of the author’s imagination.  Any resemblance to reality is purely coincidental.

OK, now let’s get to the question on every football fan’s mind this week.  How many times will the TV cameras zoom in on Taylor Swift during the Super Bowl?

The casinos in Vegas are already taking bets. Of course, with modern betting there is much more to wager on than just the number of times Taylor will appear on TV. Side bets include the odds of Taylor wearing a scarf and if so, its length. Will Taylor wear any clothing item made from cashmere? Will she watch the coin flip? Will she sing along during the national anthem? 

Some football fans are worried that Taylor Swift might not make it to the game in time for the coin flip. She has her final performance of four shows at the Tokyo Dome the night before the Super Bowl. Will the NFL delay the game if Taylor is running late? Will she parachute into the parking lot before the game dressed as an Elvis impersonator?

I think that about wraps up this week’s pregame column. I didn’t have time to mention anything about the teams playing in the Super Bowl.  I’ll get to that next week.

Unlike the NFL, NCAA and other businesses who try to squeeze every last cent out of words they combine in a clever order, I’m not that greedy.

Feel free to use this column however you want. Read it aloud in public.  Make copies to pass out to tourists visiting “The Helbing.”

See you all next week, same Schwinn time, same Schwinn channel.

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