Column: Only 15 shopping days until Christmas

column-only-15-shopping-days-until-christmas

Dear readers,

Thanksgiving is over. It is now finally time for the holiday that Hobby Lobby began celebrating in June. 

My Arlo Guthrie LP “Alice’s Restaurant” is safely stored away until next Thanksgiving. I’ve replaced it on the stereo with my Nat King Cole “Christmas Album.”

I always like to get in the Christmas mood by playing “The Christmas Song.”  It’s the one that begins,

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire                                                        

Jack Frost nipping at your nose                                                       

Yuletide carols being sung by a choir                                                  

And folks dressed up like Eskimos

Just by reading those lyrics, I’ll bet many of you already have the song playing in your head. Now I’ll cut a slice of fruitcake and pour myself a glass of eggnog. OK, let’s open this week’s mail. 

Dear Kris,

Help! Our family is already having a holiday argument. You can settle the argument because we have already agreed to go with whatever you say. The argument is about regifting.

Our family is split almost evenly between “there’s nothing wrong with regifting” and “regifting is lazy, tacky, and wrong.”

What say you, Kris?

Name withheld upon request.

Dear divided family,

To quote Abraham Lincoln, “A house divided cannot stand.” Most people think Lincoln first made this statement in some civil war speech.  It was really his “go to” saying back when he was practicing family law in Illinois. 

In all family law matters, Lincoln would just make that statement using his most commanding voice followed by, “Now get out of my office. My fee is a sack of turnips or a roll of Necco Wafers. Pay my secretary on your way out.”

I only mention this bit of Lincoln trivia to give you one more example of why you are so very lucky to be living in the 21st century -- as if not getting polio and having indoor plumbing weren’t reason enough.

Unlike Lincoln, I can give you advice that is useful. It has nothing to do with my legal education being any better than Lincoln’s. It has everything to do with the fact that I watched the 12th episode of the 6th season of Seinfeld, “The Label Maker.” It is the episode when dentist Tim Whatley famously regifts a label maker.

The old saying,” killing two birds with one stone” was coined by the person who first invented regifting. You not only save money, but you also reap the benefit of cleaning out your closets and crawl space at the same time.  

Regifting can be a bit tricky, but if done with the right attitude it can be rewarding for both the giver and the recipient. Here are a few simple rules.

Try to not regift the item to the relative who gave it to you last Christmas. Unless you are sure they are absent minded.

When regifting chia pets, be sure to put in a new packet of chia seeds.

If regifting an item that isn’t really age appropriate for the new recipient, it is better if you aren’t off by more than a few years.

If the regift has been stored in the crawl space for several years, be sure to wipe off the mold.

Finally, what do you do if you are out of money, but know that a regift will disappoint the recipient?

Easy, just give them a certificate that says, “A donation has been made in your name to “The Human Fund.”

See you all next week, same Schwinn time, same Schwinn channel.

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