Column: Paris, 2024 Olympics Edition

Dear readers,

TRIGGER WARNING: If talk of pagan gods and/or drag queen dada performance artists tends to give you a bad case of the vapours, you should skip this week’s column.

Wow, the biggest news from the Olympics in Paris has been the dada performance artists. The drag queens caused a stir by allegedly reenacting Jesus at the last supper. I say allegedly because my confidential Greek source tells me otherwise. 

So, here is the Greek version. You be the judge. Enjoy!

My Greek source claims that the Greeks invented everything from astronomy to philosophy and the hula hoop. The Greeks not only figured out that the earth was round but also calculated its circumference. The Greeks achieved all of this and more hundreds of years before the birth of Jesus.

The Greeks invented the Olympic games. The Christians had nothing to do with the Olympics except indirectly putting the kibosh on the games. More about that later.

The first Olympic games in Greece was pretty much like the modern Olympics. Men competed to see who could throw a javelin the farthest or run the fastest. And if you think the current beach volleyball outfits are skimpy, the Greeks didn’t bother with any outfits at all. That’s right. The athletes competed in the nude.

The purpose of the Olympic games was to honor the Greek pagan god Zeus. The Greeks had a pagan god for every occasion. Dionysus was the Greek pagan god of wild parties. Anyone who ever attended a fraternity party in college or saw the movie “Animal House” knows the Greeks know how to throw a wild party.

This brings us to the opening Olympics ceremony this year. According to my Greek source, the drag queen Parisians were just reenacting “The Feast of the Gods” as painted by famous Duch artist Jan van Bijlert.

Parisian drag queens, being part of the bohemian artsy crowd, just love the obscure. In fact, the only thing they love more is some old-fashioned Bacchanalian revelry. So, there you go!

I had to look up “Bacchanalian” and I still didn’t see how my Greek source believed that he had connected all the dots. What do you mean “So, there you go!” I asked. Plus, you haven’t explained how the Christians put the kibosh on the Olympic games.

The Greek continued. Well duh! The Parisian drag queens practically worship the Roman pagan god Bacchus, pagan god of wine, freedom, intoxication, and ecstasy. The Romans renamed Dionysus Bacchus when they stole everything from the Greeks.

Actress Bo Derek didn’t invent cultural appropriation when she wore her hair in cornrows in the movie “10.” Cultural appropriation is one of the only things the Greeks didn’t invent. The Romans invented it. The Romans stole everything from the Greeks including their pagan gods.

The Romans stole the Olympics and just added the ever so popular sport of chariot racing. The games were still held to honor the same Greek pagan gods, but now with their new Roman names.

The Olympics continued for several hundred years after the birth of Jesus and the beginning of Christianity. Sometime after Roman Emperor Constantine became a Chistian, the Romans put an end to the Olympic games. Roman Emperor Theodosius didn’t think an event honoring pagan gods was appropriate for a Christian country.

So, that’s how Christianity put the kibosh on the ancient Olympic games.

As Paul Harvey always said, “now you know the rest of the story.”

See you all next week, same Schwinn time, same Schwinn channel.