Column: Please verify your social security number

Back in the day, when Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator promised he’d be back, little did we know that he meant through our cell phones, as Rachel from Card Services.

Yes, dear readers, Skynet has siblings, and they’re not here to time travel – they’re here for your money.

Arnold warned us about powerful computers with their artificial intelligence harming mankind, but he was wrong about the method the computers would use. Artificial intelligence hasn’t arrived on a motorcycle as violent Terminator. No, it has arrived more like the characters portrayed by Paul Newman and Robert Redford in “The Sting.”

Rachel from Card Services and the other cyborgs are clever grifters similar to swindler-virtuoso Henry Gondorff or his protégée Johnny Hooker. 

It all started innocently enough. We welcomed the first calculators, computers, and even those clunky car phones with arms wide open. But then, something shifted. The machines started getting smarter, sleeker, and, dare I say, sassier.

Now, instead of a friendly cashier exchanging pleasantries while checking out at Kroger, we must deal with a cyborg ordering us to “put the item in the bagging area.”

But with great power comes great responsibility, and unfortunately, our digital pals missed that memo. Instead of safeguarding humanity, they’re selling us out – one robocall at a time. Like the Skynet T-100 relentlessly searching to terminate Sarah Connor, today’s cyborgs never get tired of making their annoying phone calls. 

The first cyborgs like Rachel from card services were just trying to sell us a service we didn’t need. These electronic versions of Willy Loman endlessly pitched everything from credit cards to automobile warranties.  Now some of the cyborgs have gone rogue. Criminal cyborgs now impersonate the IRS or even the local sheriff duping innocent victims into paying nonexistent taxes or fines. 

But it’s not just sales and scams. AI is creeping into every corner of our lives. Got a new smart fridge? Don’t be surprised if it starts judging your choice of cheese.

“I see we’re going with the processed singles again. Ever heard of Gouda?”

And cars! They’re practically rolling robots ready to tattle on your driving. They have gone from “your door is ajar” to “you’re exceeded the speed limit.”

Thanks, Car-nold Schwarzenegger, but I don’t recall asking for the backseat driver option.

So, what do we do? Do we rage against the machines, à la Sarah Connor? Or do we embrace our new robot overlords and hope they’re more R2-D2 than HAL 9000?

In the end, maybe Arnold was onto something. Maybe Skynet is taking over, one pesky phone call at a time. But if we can’t beat 'em, let’s at least have some fun with 'em. After all, if the world is going to be run by robots, we might as well get in a few laughs before the uprising.

So, let’s pedal through this digital dystopia with a smile, because while AI may have our data, they’ll never take our sense of humor. And to all the Rachels out there, just know, we’re onto you. We may not have a Terminator to protect us, but we’ve got something just as powerful – the “end call” button.

Until next time, keep a wary eye on your appliances, and remember, if your vacuum cleaner starts asking for your social security number, it’s time to pull the plug.

See you all next week, same Schwinn time, same Schwinn channel.

The Shelby County Post is a digital newspaper producing news, sports, obituaries and more without a pay wall or subscription needed. Get the most recent Shelby County Post headlines delivered to your email by visiting shelbycountypost.com and click on the free daily email signup link at the top of the page.