Column: Reindeer games

column-reindeer-games

Dear readers,

I’ll get to the mailbag in a minute, but first I have some bad news. Team Schwinn is ending our public service project, “Letters to The Helbing.”

Outreach volunteer Jack Yeend reports that only one letter has been received. It was a prank letter penned by Bill Stafford. Bill was supposedly working on an art project of his own to be installed on the people trail called, “Water, Trees, and Flowers.” 

I thought a public that once paid $3.99 a minute for advice from psychic Miss Cleo would jump at the chance of getting free advice from a giant stainless-steel sculpture. It looks like I was wrong. Now let’s open the mail.

I received a letter from Cousin Tom’s donkey Cletus this week. It’s not unusual for me to receive correspondence from Cletus. He writes almost weekly harping on and on about the time Team Schwinn embarrassed him by trying to enter him in the Indiana Derby. 

For you newer readers, we really did try to enter Cletus in the Indiana Derby. It was mostly local attorney Tyler “Earl” Brant’s idea. We located a jockey who didn’t have a mount in the derby, outfitted him in our official “View From My Schwinn” silks and showed up to race.

Cletus was disqualified for not being a horse. Team Schwinn knew it was a long shot. Maybe some of us went along with the scheme knowing it was a joke. The officials at the track were great sports but did insist that Cletus leave the premises. As you might expect he was stubborn, and it took us forever to get him back in the trailer.

I decided to publish Cletus’ letter this week because it is timely and I’m glad he has embraced his donkey heritage.

Dear Kris,

Tis the season, so how about a shout out in your column for the donkeys.  Somehow the reindeer have hijacked Christmas. Poor Rudolph couldn’t join in the reindeer games, boo hoo. Children even know their names, on Dasher and Dancer, Prancer and yada, yada, yada. 

I’m somewhat confused because I have a Christmas story that has been passed down in my donkey family for many generations. As it was told to me, long before my family legally immigrated to this country, my ancestors lived in a place called Nazareth.  

One of my grandfathers (too many greats to include) was present for the first Christmas. It was winter and he carried a pregnant woman to Bethlehem. The trip was no cart ride. It was about 70 miles as the crow flies and walking in the rocky terrain took better than a week. To make things worse, not an hour or so after arrival the baby came and was placed in grandpa’s food.  

A great number of visitors stopped by to see the baby which resulted in a sleepless night for grandpa. Several days later grandpa traveled with the family to Egypt. According to donkey folklore, there were other animals present, including sheep and a camel or two, but no reindeer.

So now for my Christmas question. Can you please explain how the reindeer got in the story?

Just wondering,

Cletus

Dear Cletus,

Reindeer got in the story somehow along with fruitcake, eggnog and too much shopping.

Christmas is really all about the baby who was named Jesus. However, the good news is that most humans get around to remembering that by December 25.

Don’t bother writing me a letter this spring asking about Easter. I don’t have any idea how bunnies took over that holiday.

See you all next week, same Schwinn time, same Schwinn channel.

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