Shelbyville, The Simpsons visited, so should you

Dear readers,

As Shelbyville awaits delivery of its new hundred grand brand, loyal readers have been filling my mailbox with suggestions of their own.  The suggestions mainly range from stupid to stupider and all the way to stupidest. 

I did receive one suggestion this week that seemed farfetched, but then again just might be brilliant. You can be the judge. Enjoy!

Dear Kris,

I agree that Shelbyville needs to stay away from the boring generic brands adopted by most cities. You suggested “Shelbyville, Gateway to Boggstown.” That may be true, but let’s use some imagination. Cartoon lovers all over America already know Shelbyville as the gateway to Springfield, home of the Simpsons.

The Simpsons is the longest running cartoon in TV history. Lucky for us, Shelbyville is part of it. To paraphrase P.T. Barnum, “a fool drives past Shelbyville on Interstate 74 every minute.” It is an axiom that a fool and his money are soon parted. So, let’s put up a few billboards on the interstate and get rich.

We will need to get Mainstreet Shelbyville involved with a few more façade grants. Here are my specific ideas.

1. If you think Capone’s Speakeasy is popular now, just wait until Lindel and Karen turn it into “The Moe’s Tavern Experience.” It will be expensive to change the façade and all the signage, but the rest will be easy. The food can stay the same but just change the names of featured sandwiches from gangsters like Capone and Gotti to Moe’s regular patrons Barney, Lenny, and Homer.
2. Three Sisters Bookmark and Coffee Shop won’t need a new sign.  Simpsons fans know the three sisters, Marge, Patty, and Selma.  Barb will just need to pin on a “Marge” name tag and put her hair up in a giant blue beehive. Marge’s favorite food, buttered noodles, will need to be added to the menu. 
3. Move over Balser, Shelbyville will be getting a new statue downtown. Homer loves donuts and Simpson’s fans will all want a photo standing next to the giant Lard Lad statue on the public square. The Lard Lad is to donuts what the Big Boy is to Frisch’s hamburgers. To save a few bucks, we might be able find a used “Big Boy” statue and repurpose it as “Lard Lad.”
4. Linne’s will be the biggest tourist draw with their new flashing neon sign, “Home of Lard Lad Donuts.” The TV show “Man vs. Food” will no doubt visit to film an episode. Host Casey Webb won’t be able to resist attempting the “Homer Simpson Donut Challenge.” Who knows, maybe even Joey Chestnut will show up.  D'oh-nut T-shirts will become as popular as Hard Rock Café T-shirts once were. Ok, all at once, everyone yell “Mmm…donuts!”
5. Rupert is already a TV celebrity, so his arcade will get a boost from all the Simpsons tourists. However, it really needs a Simpsons angle. Kris, this is where you and your friend Jack Yeend come in. Let’s face it, your Helbing promotion flopped.  You guys dressing up like Crusty the Clown and Sideshow Bob greeting tourists in front of the arcade will be the icing on the cake.  You might even make some tips posing for photos like the grifters at Times Square who dress up like Big Bird and Grover.

Please withhold my name. My wife thinks it is a waste of time just reading your column. I would really be in the doghouse if she knew I took time to write this letter when I could have been out doing something worthwhile like drinking beer and playing poker.   

Dear Anonymous Simpsons Fan,

Maybe it is time we forget about the biggest corn shock in the world and embrace our cartoon fame. I’ll stop by Three Sisters this week and see if Barb is willing to wear a big blue beehive wig. 

 See you all next week, same Schwinn time, same Schwinn channel.